Last night I was feeling kind of...odd. Even though I was wearing my comfy jammies and about to geek-out on some Sci-Fi, I felt a little anxious. I tried not to think too much about it, and instead I opened up a bottle of wine and fell into my usual pre-bedtime routine. Thirty minutes and one glass of cheap Pinot Noir latet, I was completely engrossed in Pacific Rim and feeling a little bit better. When the movie was over, I was a little tired, but not ready to go to fall asleep just yet. I set the timer on the television, laid down on my pillow, and attempted to catch the bus to Sleepytown while watching the late night adventures of Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza.
All seemed well- my eyelids were getting heavier...and then I woke up with a start. Suddenly, I was wide awake. So I tried to doze off in front of the tele again. And yet again, I dozed off for a few minutes, then snapped awake. After the third time, I thought that I had just as well get in bed. Only this time, I didn't drift off to sleep. I thought a lot about how I wanted to go to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. I tried to clear my head by focusing on breathing deeply and relaxing my body. For some reason, this only made me more self-conscious that I was awake. Finally, I decided on a little light reading. And so I read, hour after hour after hour. Eventually, I noticed that it was 5:00 AM. I normally wake up at 5:30. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Since I have about 800 hours of sick time saved up, I opted to take the day off work. I sent in my notice to the office via email and went back to bed. By 6:00 AM I was fast asleep.
So, where did I go wrong? Well, looking back on it, I think it would be easier to see if I did anything right. It turns out that switching to a little light comedy was the right idea, and trying to ignore the alarm clock wasn't a bad idea either. Everything else was a classic example of What Not To Do When You're Anxious About Not Being Able to Fall Asleep.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a means of changing the way you feel by changing the way you think. One of its precepts is that oftentimes, people distort the way they look at the world. These distortions can cause depression, anxiety, and even insomnia (I should mention here that I am NOT a therapist or a psychologist, and that I have NO medical training. What I do have is a keyboard, internet access, and the occasional bout with insomnia).
So where did I go wrong? Well, for starters, I had already taken a lengthy nap earlier in the day. This can raise your sleep threshold and make it difficult to initiate your "sleep trigger" later. Since I was coming off of a vacation, my sleep schedule was already misaligned with work. I was exhausted when I got home, but I should have fought off the nap, or limited it to 20 minutes. You will also notice that I shrugged off the anxiety that I had early in the evening. This was probably my second, and biggest, mistake. I knew, somehow, that I wasn't really looking forward to going to work the next day, and I was worried that this would interfere with my ability to fall asleep. However, pushing these feelings to the back of my head always catches up with me. I realize that eventually, I'm going to have to get a new job. In the meantime, I can change the way I think about it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is currently helping me cope with my negative feelings about work and insomnia. Although going to a therapist is probably the most effective plan, I really can't afford one now, so I opted for self-help instead. There are many books on the topic, but it seems that shrinks are in agreement that the ones by a guy named Dr. David Burns are the most accessible (the psychiatrist, not the lead singer of the Talking Heads). It's a lot like homework- you have to do a lot of journaling, and often times I find myself writing about unpleasant realities that I'm used to pushing into my subconscious. CBT is effective if you keep after it, but it's not a panacea, however. Relapses happen, but at least they're easier to nip in the bud as long as you've been persistent. Some people experience remarkable, spontaneous recoveries with CBT. Most people, however, keep whittling away at their demons until they're small enough to drown in a bathtub.
Looking back on the previous evening, I realize now that I had been psyching myself up for days about how much I was dreading going back to work, and I was also dreading that I would have another bout of insomnia when I did go back. This created a sort of self-fullfilling prophecy- something that clinicians refer to as "excessive nocturnal arousal." Although the term sounds pornographic, it's neither fun nor satisfying. And while there's nothing wrong with a little television in the evening, Pacific Rim might not have been the ideal choice. Sleep experts suggest something soothing before bedtime, and a movie about giant robots that battle monsters from another universe is probably not going to get me where I need to be. I've read different opinions about using alcohol to to help you relax- sleep experts say that it interferes with your deep sleep cycle. I think on that night, however, I probably should have had a second glass. Setting the sleep timer, however, was one of my few good moves that night. Having the television shut off automatically can help preserve that blissful slumber a little bit longer.
Attempting to read myself to sleep in bed is another mistake. Behaviorist have noted that people develop associations and habits rather quickly. The bed should only be for sex and sleeping- it's important to associate it with pleasure and rest, not frustration. I don't know if getting out of bed and reading in the living room would have helped, but I certainly know that staying in bed didn't help me fall asleep, either.
I was in the fortunate position to skip out of work the next day, but that's not always an option. It was obvious to me that dreading a day of being sleep-deprived at work was the problem- once it was not longer an option, I fell right to sleep. I know, however, that my negative thoughts about sleep, combined with my rather unrealistic expectations of always being 100% on point at work, were the cause of my insomnia last night. After all, insomnia is often unpleasant, but from a medical standpoint it usually isn't dangerous. And everyone has a bad day at work occasionally. Eventually, the body is going to flip the switch to "off" (it's important, however, that you're not operating a back hoe or a crane when you've been on a 72 hour insomnia jag).
I certainly have my work cut out for me, but confronting these thoughts and feelings has been beneficial.Until last night, I had been sleeping relatively well for the past six weeks. As for hating the drudgery of work- well, there's a support group for that. It's called a bar. They meet everyday, from 5:30 until 2 AM. So yes, last night was certainly discouraging, but that's no reason not to keep trying.
To all my fellow insomniacs out there, I encourage you to find your own answers. No doubt, your insomnia is caused by some idea or set of ideas in your head that are self-defeating. Get on that, and you'll sleep better.
